Contemplations-Part 2

It's hard to think what one can do when one is in a depressed mood. I know now never to trust the words of people too lightly. But then again, haven't I known that long enough...time and time again I keep telling myself that this is exactly what I should avoid...that it has been the most detrimental of my personality that one day it would become my ultimate downfall. I think I've said that way too many times that even now I'm starting to wonder about it. It's not a crime persay to trust in what people have to say, right? That is, assuming that what is said is something that would hurt no one if it were either true or false. But now more than ever, I'm not only starting to doubt the words uttered by other people, but also by what I'm seeing with my own eyes. I'm trying to make myself think that what I saw or what I believed I saw was actually a figment of my imagination when I know all too well that it isn't. One can dream, right? I hope honestly that dreaminig is not a crime because if it is, then I would have commited a crime all my life...

It's amazing what people would say or how they would try in their best ability to make something sound good, especially when it isn't. It's also amazing how far these people can go with twisting the truth in order to get the results that they want. It makes me a little more than just disgusted that some people are willing to go to such great lengths to make themselves happy but make the others around them suffer at the same time. I mean, people were not born to be evil beings right? At least, that's what I've been trying to tell myself, maybe in an effort to offer some sort of comfort to myself. I was never angry at those people, those who would not care what happened to me but only cared to make themselves happy. In fact, I was never angry in general. If I was angry, chances are, I was angry at myself for being such a baka! But today, I AM angry! Actually, to put it into more concrete terms, I'm more than angry. The term angry in itself would not define how I feel at this very moment. It seems like I have a desire, a desire so unmistakable to kill. I tried so often to control that part of my soul, to tell myself that this is not the outcome I really want...to stop myself...

But I'm starting to think...that I can't continue to lie to myself like that! I'm starting to think that what I really need to do is rid those who had ever wronged me or rid myself, which ever is easier to accomplish...given that I am a lazy person I choose the quickest method.

I'm tired of having to pretend that I'm someone that I'm not! I'm tired of being the girl that everyone can take advantage of, manipulate and then just throw away like a toy! I'm tired of being like that...I'm tired of being part of a game that I shouldn't have been a participant of even from the very beginning. I should have known about my weaknesses, I should have known better than to go so far that now I'm suffering the consequences again! I thought I'd learn from such failures not to do something so stupid as that! But I guess I haven't learned a lesson yet...and maybe I never will! I don't care what anyone says anymore or what anyone does anymore. I trust that my love for this person is strong and that whatever is coming my way is only a mere obstacle that I'll just have to learn to get over regardless of whether I want to or not. Because the choice is no longer mine! Not that it has ever been mine to begin with. I will not lose to someone like that...I will not lose to fate!

Contemplations-Part 1

I have no words to say...nor any to write. Gomen ne...I'm just not in a very 'writing' mood today *sighs* I guess I haven't really been in one for a long time hence my lack of posting on the blog. I'll try to post some more this week to make up for my lacking activity >.< So I'm listening to songs by original artists and also those of covers. Let me just say that I want to cry because the lyrics of the original artist song is very touching and also because I don't understand why I'm listening to covers of the song that I want to sing. Let me post the link to the cover I'm listening to. It's a duet cover of Ayumi Hamasaki's Jewel. I really like the girl voice but the guy...meh...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWeVWv47VSA&feature=related

Values of Friendship

I find that having friends during tough times is better than anything in the world, especially true friends. I sometimes think that I'm quite unfortunate, that I've always been the target for manipulation by people because I don't know how to be on my guard. The only thing that I have to say now is...I'm glad to have real friends. I only have three true friends in this world...kitsune-san, kitsune-sama and Jae but that's more than enough for me. With them around, I know that even if my world becomes as dark as night or if the most dreadful things happen, I can always turn to them. I can depend on any one of them with my problems...I can turn to any one of them for support and they'd give it to me without question. But the problem is, I find, that they are too nice!

When I come to them with problems, they help as much as they can. It seems that I'm always depending on them, always going to them like a child in distress. I find that it's unfair to them because it seems that I'm the only one that has problems. I am like a delicate, weak being that knows not how to deal with the rest of the world on my own. >.<

I know they are all trying to help me through my toughest times in life but I feel that I haven't lived up to the bargain of the friendship equation. It makes me feel so guilty...so bad that I haven't been there for these three people so dearest to my heart when they need me! It makes me think that I'm such a bad person because I can't be there when they need someone to vent to and yet I use them all the time...It's almost as though I'm using my friends like tools and it makes me so...guilty...What should I do??

Flowers Bloom

The beautiful Hisana and the ever loving Byakuya in one picture! *sighs* It kind of makes me think of Jae and me. I hope we will be able to sit under the cherry blossom tree in Tokyo like this! The picture is like a dream come true! Well, I kind of had to upload a nice picture, just to make up for the pictureless entry that I previously did and the fact that I haven't really updated my blog in a long time! It's so unlike me to go through days of not updating since I'm so obsessive about everything! >.< But let's not begin by ranting about my computers...well maybe I should! Move from the bad to the good :P Maybe then I'd feel somewhat better because honestly, I feel like crap

So...after messing up my own laptop by crashing it, I also managed to make viruses enter my desktop. The worse part of this is that the desktop isn't mine! Like I can still say I can buy a new laptop with my own money since I crashed it but the desktop has all the important files of my parents in it. They function like me so they don't save backups. >.<>.<) but I am so not touching that desktop ever again! (So if viruses attack it again, it can't be my fault!) But still, I kind of have a phobia against a computer period. So I'm using school computers for the rest of the semester/school year. I can't even begin to think what I'm going to do during holidays and the like! It'll be hell on earth for me...and besides, my mom has forbidden the use of her desktop/any other computer at my house period! So even if I didn't have the phobia of computers, I'd still not be able to use them....

On a brighter note, I spent quite an enjoyable weekend talking to kitsune san and Jae. They're both such nice people! And then there comes the question of Jae's ex-gf. I was very scared of her taking him away, as I've been cheated on quite a many times before that I've become scared of such things happening again. The idea is that someone as nice and perfect as Jae I know I should trust but a part of me is hesitant...I really want the image above to come true, because he is my Byakuya! I treat him as I'd treat Byakuya...as some of you I'd go very far if ever I could meet Byakuya XD But that's not the point! I hope that in all honesty, she would learn to stop before it becomes detrimental and she becomes more than just dillusional. I don't want Jae to hurt her but she's asking for it with every move that she makes...

A New Love

I was going to make a new blog post yesterday but I was out of time so here I am today, making a new blog post ^^ I told myself that I’d try to make this one short, just in case it’s too much reading for some people *coughcough* So, let’s begin from the very beginning of Wednesday, shall we? My one and only lecture for that day was incredibly boring…as does all lectures regarding linguistics have become. >.<>.< So after that brutal thing, I met him at our big campus and started to plan what we were going to do. It was odd because we spent about 15min in front of the campus, not sure of where we would go.

We thought it would be best to go do something interesting before we had lunch so we decided on wandering at a mall XD He knew how much I like shopping (or at least I think he knew…he might just have guessed) and so he took me to three different malls (he drives so everything is much easier). We went shopping but pretty much window-shopped except I couldn’t help myself by buying something for kitsune-sama. Well, you can’t really blame me since I’m not the type to like to waste time shopping and then end up not buying anything. I find that incredibly pointless, ne? So we went for a couple of hours, I ended buying the essentials that I had wanted to buy (I paid for everything since I’m not the kind of person to like to ask other people to pay for me) And then we sat down at some restaurant to eat lunch where we go to know a bit more about each other.

I think it was at that time that I knew pretty much all that I know about him now XD He is Korean, full-Korean, but he knows how to speak many languages (that’s always good since I know how to speak lots of different languages too), he has one younger sister (kawaii onee-chan! He showed me a picture of her and she is really really cute) He told me that his parents are really easy going so if I ever meet them, I shouldn’t be scared. (Indeed, I am always scared of meeting parents since they have a tendency of disliking me upon first impression). He told me a lot about his school life, where he went to high school and such. He also told me about his ex-gf which then I felt obligated to tell him about the ones which needed to be mentioned…

And then…he asked me that one question!!! The one question that I was dying to ask but he beat me to it!!!! *blushes* Even thinking about it makes me kind of embarrassed. He asked whether I wanted to be his gf, whether I was willing to try out a relationship since he knew how much I had been hurt before. I thought about it for a moment, knowing that in my head I wanted to say yes right away…there was that moment of hesitation, that moment where I could think logically and ask myself whether I should really go on with someone who I had only met for two hours and eight minutes? But I knew that even if I asked myself that question, I’d still say yes. And so I consented. He told me that he would not be like my ex’s…that he’d treat me like a goddess, like a hime. But that was where I told me not to. My status as his girlfriend should not mean that he should treat me any differently, which he agreed

And so I’ve found new love, one who admires even my vocals (I do sing very badly by the way, in case you’ve never heard me sing) We went to karaoke afterwards and spent at least four hours there if not five. I found out that he was a really good singer and that look of his face when he sang made me melt *blushes* I’m so happy to have found him, really happy to know that there’s someone out there that will really love me the way I love him. I tell myself now, and I vow to myself that I will be less clingy to him, to respect his personal space and not invade upon it. I will try to maintain whatever minimal self-control I have within me to ensure that our relationship can last to it’s fullest!

Hopeful Feeling

Now I’m going to make sure that I make at least one blog entry a day since my midterms are almost complete (except for the one tomorrow >.<) Whether I did well on any of them I don’t want to know but honestly, I care very little about it anymore. As long as all of them are over and done with, I’m satisfied. ^^ My thoughts are all encompassed to one person and that one special day coming in just a little over 24 hours from this point!! *is so excited* I keep on saying that, it’s kind of odd but who can blame me, right? XD I’ll still check my marks on the Uni website but I don’t care how badly I failed if I failed at this point~ What could be worse than a 30% on a 30% test??? But that’s alright, it’s settled that I’ll have a good time tomorrow and that’s all I can think about at the moment ^^

So, everything is pretty much settled at this point! I am to meet him outside our Uni’s big campus at noon tomorrow and my heart is skipping a beat as I think about how little time is left before I can see him again~ I just hope that I can spend the solid 9 hours with him undisturbed and he told me that we would be going to places of surprise!! Makes me so curious! To think we only met once before for little less than five minutes and already he’s willing to spend a day of 9 hours with me to celebrate my b-day early! I only wished he could celebrate with me ON the day of my b-day as that would have been more awesome but who am I to ask for so much??? As long as I get to spend SOME day with him, that’s all I can EVER ask!

Yes, I’m rambling again but who cares right?? That’s what a blog is for and I intend to have a blog exactly to serve that purpose (and many more XD) I wish I could spend more time with him…he was afraid I’d miss too much class tomorrow so I told him that my classes were conveniently all cancelled :P There’s no harm in telling a fib here and there because if I don’t spend tomorrow with him, I won’t be able to spend anytime with him this week!!! >.< And that’s not something I’ll willing to give up at all! Besides, I know we’re not doing anything extremely important in any of my tomorrow classes and the only one that we’re actually doing something important in I’m attending to anyways, there’s no harm, ne? ^^

I really hope I am able to reel the fish in tomorrow, or at least get to know him better so that reeling him in would be more possible~ I’m sure I’ll have SO much more to say after tomorrow, it’ll take up most of my time on Thursday just to detail the events! ^^ I sound like a fangirl but that’s really who I am, ne? Maybe I should give him a present, maybe I can let me have something that will remind him of me! I know!!! I can get something for him that’s small and anime~ (He likes anime as much or if not more than I do!!) That means I have to go shopping really early in the morning tomorrow, before my only class of the day and before I see him!!! ^^ Shopping is always fun, right? ^_^ I’ll see what I can do XD

Wish me luck everyone~

Hime

Hyper

Yes yes, hime-sama is overly excited and hyper XD Well, come to think of it, I'm only overly excited and hyper because I want to so nicely forget that horrible midterm I just finished writing~ It seems that all the midterms and exams I ever write are nothing but horrible!! >.<

So I just got a call from someone really special (no, not the guy I have a big crush on XD) but she's equally as important because she's always the bearer of good news~! ^^ She managed to call me exactly the moment I finished my midterm just now (talk about coincidence) So this woman is none other than one of the directors/managers of a music company in Japan. I auditioned in the summer of this year when I went back to Japan for a couple of weeks at some of the major music companies just try my luck. (Yes, I do love singing very much!) To those that know me well, like kitsune-san, you guys might know just HOW MUCH I like to sing XP But that's so not the point! The point is: I got called back to a second audition in December, during my Christmas break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's like my dream come true!!! She told me that I am required to sing four songs, two of them HAVE to be in Japanese but it doesn't matter the category. (I'm SO going for J-Pop, no matter who says what lol)

Now the only problem is...will my parents let me go again? And if they do and if I pass the auditions, can I start a career while going to school in Canada? These are some concerns I have now but who cares right? At least not at this point! It's such a chance of a lifetime to be able to audition, pass the first and then move on to the final! My reward is possibly a signing with Sony Music, only one of the top music companies who have signed many of my favorite singers!!!!! Gosh, I'm rambling but I'm sooooo excited!!!

So anyone want to suggest what songs I should sing for my audition? It's kind of nerve-wracking at the same time but I can't wait!!!

And then there's the b-day celebration this week too! I can't wait for that either!!!

Damn, this week is getting brighter and brighter!!!

Intercepting

This is just an interception to my usual posting~ Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm experimenting with templates for my blog so if you click on my blog one minute and it displays one theme and then another minute later and it displays something else, please don't be alarmed XD I'm probably messing around horribly and wanting to make sure that the most come out of my experimenting! ^^

I just want to see what looks good and what doesn't~ Sometimes I like multiple templates so I'll put on one, leave it for a day or two and then move on to another ^^ That's just the way hime-sama functions, ne?

So, just a head's up everyone!!!!

New Beginning

My first entry in November and this is going to be a relatively short one since I'm pressed for time ^^ I know I haven't updated in days and I apologize for that. Originally I would have been able to make an entry this weekend if it were not for my laptop crashing on me!!! >.<>.< I swear, everything and everyone hate me!!!! What's wrong with my life??? Sometimes I wonder if it's me being paranoid...maybe it is or maybe it's because I'm too nice so people take advantage of me!!!

Okay, ranting aside, I'm actually in a pretty good mood today! Woke up earlier than I need to, did lots of things before I got to school. I'm actually at school earlier than I expected hence why I'm making this entry...hate my next lectures >.<>.< I just hope I can pass the course! I keep on saying that I won't rant but I guess that's not going to happen anytime soon, ne? XD

Well, on a happier note, I met someone on the weekend, yesterday actually that I can safely say is a cute guy! I met him at my school, in the bigger campus in front of the library. I dropped my books when I bumped into him and when I looked up at his face it was like I couldn't look away from his face. I blushed and he said that I was cute the way I blushed!!!! *jumps up and down* He's such a cute person, so nice and sweet ^^ I know I'm only being biased since I've only met him for like three minutes. But during those brief minutes I managed to give him my number and he managed to give me his and then I managed to know a lot more about him that I'd know about anyone I meet even if I met that person for twenty times more than that time!!! I really hope he'll be celebrating my b-day with me this year so I don't have to feel lonely ^^'' My b-day is in four-ish days I think XP

So, Shizuka-hime is in a happy mood, very happy and possibly even in love!!!

Cold Sensation

I've never thought that alcohol could taste so good. Indeed, it's been so long since I've felt the insane desire to drink. But today, it seemed as though I really needed to feel the cool liquid against my throat, the burning aftermath of the liquid in my body. I have not had such a desure in such a long time that now it seems so distant and so foreign to me. It almost scares me...that need to drink, to be drunk almost clouding all judgments and all emotions. As I sat there, going through bottle after bottle, I could not help but think to myself who it is I have become. Aside from thinking about this, there was something else which nagged at me, something which I could no longer understand. It was a temptation, a desire so deep that it overwhelmed me.

But who am I to believe that such emotions truly did exist? Who am I to believe that something as sacred as the word love could truly exist in this world? How often I've said the words 'I love you' to those that could not truly return it, at least not whole-heartedly. But today, out of all days, I understand that there are people out there that I can't progress more to than just friends. The words which I loathe to see, the words which I loathe to hear rang in my head over and over again. Somehow I was not angry but merely saddened by the fact that I could not grasp love....that love could not truly be mine! I still think love to be fallible, that no matter how much I try I can not wipe away...

Today I broke a promise to a friend, merely because a friend had managed to tear a part of my soul out of me. I'm sorry...I broke the promise but please try to forgive and try to understand that I broke the promise because I HAD to. Only alcohol can pacify the longing desires to do harm, not only to this world but to myself. I am weak, I always have been and will never say otherwise. You know me well, know that I am that kind of person. Kind words and gestures will do nothing to me now for I am not whole anymore...I can not stop the tears that threaten to cascade, I can not. I used to think that I would want to but today, I don't! I want to allow myself to cry, one last time for that one friend who will always be...just a friend

I loved but can not be loved...that's the way my life has always been...