Betrayal

Before I begin my rant for this entry, let me first thank kitsune-san for his kind comments to every one of my blog entries. Also, let me also tell anyone that reads my bloga that I'm not always depressed and that not all of my entries will be rants. It's just that I'm currently experiencing my depression moments in life so please bear with me. I'll try to write some nice things once in awhile because being depressed all the time isn't that much of a good thing, as I've become to know. Thank you to all. Now that I've made my little declaration, I think it's time to get into my rant of the day.

Let me first begin with the question: What is a true friend? What is your definition of a friend? Well, for me, a friend is someone that stands by you in the most critical moments in your life, one who cares enough about you to listen to you, to care about you and be nice to you. I thought my definition was supposedly well defined already so I did not really doubt myself. Even now, as I look at the definition, I still believe that I'm correct enough and that I truly know what a friend is supposed to be. In all of my life, I have never been a bad friend, if there is ever such an adjective to describe someone so special to another. I thought that all of my friends, at least those that I believed to be my true friends would be like me and I would never doubt them. But today, out of all days, I've understood that I've been a fool...the one friend who I had trusted with all my heart has betrayed me...

Originally I would never have thought that I'd even know that this friend would betray me. (Indeed, I would not have known if she hadn't told me...) Her betrayal hurt me, tore at my heart with more pain than my heart problem had ever pained me. I had known this girl ever since we were in kindergarden. When I was small, I didn't like to make friends, and so I didn't have that many. She was one of those that I thought comfortable to talk to even when we first became friends. I told myself that no matter what, no matter what she ever did wrong, I'd forgive her and she'd do the same for me if ever I managed to do something which wronged her. She didn't go to the same high school as me and not the same Uni as me either but we still kept in touch. I'd talk to her and tell her things that I'd never told anybody. THAT was how much I trusted the girl. And even then, I would never doubt our friendship...until the person that I love crosses paths with my friend.

It sounds so much like a drama and even as I think about it, it sounds so much like a drama to be too...so unbelievable. I knew that the person I loved (the guy in my last three blog posts) would not love me truly but I never knew...NEVER would have guessed that he would go for my friend. And even if he did, I wouldn't have cared if he hadn't lied to me and told me that he still loved me. When I saw him put his arm around her waist, that loving kiss she gave him in return...it was as though something burned inside my body. I keep telling myself that no matter how he betrayed me, he would mean nothing to me because I no longer love him. But as the tears broke free and I became a weak girl again on the outside, I knew that I couldn't lie to myself, not any longer...I DID love him! And there was nothing in the world that would take that away from me! I didn't confront him but I did go to my friend's house about three hours ago, demanding an explanation. I couldn't believe how she treated me...the words she said...especially if it came from her. If what she had said came from anybody else, I could have dealt with it much better but no...they had to be from her!!!!!!

What she said I could never wipe away from my memory. She said because I was so ugly I would never be able to get a guy to truly love me so it was a miracle that he could withstand me for so long, without ever loving me to begin with. She said that she was tired of me always unloading my problems onto her and that she didn't care...she thought that I was getting to annoying to bear! She said that if she had the choice, she would choose to break friendship ties with me a long time ago. She said I was a stubborn fool that couldn't just learn to let go, couldn't just learn to be happy for people when they meet people that they truly loved. She said that I clung to him too much, expected too much from him without knowing that I was in no position either based on my appearance or my personality to. She told me that he had always said how much he couldn't stand me and that it was because of her that he had not hurt me a long time ago. She told me that I should just accept the fact that nobody in their right mind would ever love me truly and not try to find someone out of desperation because I would never be able to...among other things...

What have I EVER done to deserve such treatment...she was my closest friend!!! What have I ever done to ANYONE to deserve this???