Looking out at the skies, today is a cloudy day. But the week pripr to that were all cloudy days so I was very much unnerved as I looked out at the window to find exactly the same kind of day to greet me. But something about today has been very different. I've only been through about a quarter of my day but I'm guessing the day will be a little brighter or at least a little happier than what I've been experiencing...Something tells me that such days won't last long but a part of me still hopes that my days can get happier and happier. So this entry is will be slightly less depressing.
Even though tuberculosis and my heart problems have been lagging at me for quite awhile in the past couple of hours, a part of me is still happy. Not only am I beginning to slowly forget about the sad thoughts...mind you, they still exist but I’m trying to push them to the back of mind just in case I suddenly become so depressed that I have to place these thoughts as my primary focus once more. I guess life has been treating me quite nicely...through the ups and downs I’ve managed to still remain in one piece. I know of so many people who have faltered, who have corrupted both physically and mentally so that they no longer can hold on to what is most dear to them...
In essence, I don’t know what is most dear to me in my life anymore. I guess I was stubborn enough to think for the past three or four years that the most dear thing to me was the love that I received from the people who did not truly give. Now as I reflect, I begin to think that maybe, just maybe that is not quite. I find that every moment, every second in which I still live is something to be happy about, something to be grateful about. Love or no love...
But that doesn’t mean that I am now not looking for love. I just don’t trust men or actually anyone as easily anymore. It seems that a part of me has become afraid of people, afraid of interacting with those that I’ve not had time to truly understand...and even more afraid to interact those that I have known for a long time (kitsune-san and kitsune-sama aside). I’ve become afraid of interacting with people in general because I don’t know whether I truly understand a person or not. Someone can be nice but not mean it...
A rather short post for today but a post nonetheless...
Shizuka
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Brighter Future
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1 comments:
short for you ne? Good to see you being less emo in a sense, look forward to the future and smile. Happiness only finds those who smile. Remember to falter is not a fallacy, there is no one that doesn't falter, those who take it and change the future are better off, then those who use it as an excuse or reason d'etre to warp the world are usually written off in a way. Then there are who falter and go through the second, and emerge unscathed. Which path you take and where end up depend on you, don't take the one that would destroy who you are and what you stand for. ~kitsune san
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