Cold Sensation

I've never thought that alcohol could taste so good. Indeed, it's been so long since I've felt the insane desire to drink. But today, it seemed as though I really needed to feel the cool liquid against my throat, the burning aftermath of the liquid in my body. I have not had such a desure in such a long time that now it seems so distant and so foreign to me. It almost scares me...that need to drink, to be drunk almost clouding all judgments and all emotions. As I sat there, going through bottle after bottle, I could not help but think to myself who it is I have become. Aside from thinking about this, there was something else which nagged at me, something which I could no longer understand. It was a temptation, a desire so deep that it overwhelmed me.

But who am I to believe that such emotions truly did exist? Who am I to believe that something as sacred as the word love could truly exist in this world? How often I've said the words 'I love you' to those that could not truly return it, at least not whole-heartedly. But today, out of all days, I understand that there are people out there that I can't progress more to than just friends. The words which I loathe to see, the words which I loathe to hear rang in my head over and over again. Somehow I was not angry but merely saddened by the fact that I could not grasp love....that love could not truly be mine! I still think love to be fallible, that no matter how much I try I can not wipe away...

Today I broke a promise to a friend, merely because a friend had managed to tear a part of my soul out of me. I'm sorry...I broke the promise but please try to forgive and try to understand that I broke the promise because I HAD to. Only alcohol can pacify the longing desires to do harm, not only to this world but to myself. I am weak, I always have been and will never say otherwise. You know me well, know that I am that kind of person. Kind words and gestures will do nothing to me now for I am not whole anymore...I can not stop the tears that threaten to cascade, I can not. I used to think that I would want to but today, I don't! I want to allow myself to cry, one last time for that one friend who will always be...just a friend

I loved but can not be loved...that's the way my life has always been...