Yes yes I know, it's not quite midnight yet! In fact, it's FAR from midnight but what's wrong with a little 'nightdreaming' ne? ^^ It's interesting how much my personality can shift in a matter of hours. The thing is, I was in somewhat of a good mood for the most part of my day, as noted very nicely in my last blog post. But now as I think about it, I'm not certain anymore...I might still be in somewhat of a good mood, presumably because the things which got me depressed in the first place are still in the back of my mind...but right now, something else troubles me...something which I can't seem to accurately pinpoint...
Maybe it has something to do with my parents...or the nagging of my friends at Uni who just won't leave me alone...but right now I have some very interesting fallacies...some which I can no longer contain to just in my mind. For one, I want to be a miko, because mikos are pretty and elegant, two things that I'll never quite be. Then I want to own a katana or anything that is of any resemblance to one. I was hoping for a double sword, because I can handle them better than just one sword and because I've always imagined myself with double swords. The prospect of a dual pair make me happy...but the most disturbing of all is the fact that I want to kill people more than ever...
I wouldn't quite go to suggest that I'm depressed. I think the word violent suits me better at my current state. I think there is an obvious difference between the two especially to those that know me quite well. Being violent is something which I never really thought about, something that I'd never BE...perhaps I'd think violent thoughts but I'd never act upon them. There was always that idea embedded in my personality because that's the person that I am and it won't change that easily...But today, tonight rather, I feel like an entirely new ME. No longer does violence merely contain within my head...I have the urge, that drive to act upon these violent thoughts. Is it just me, or have I slowly begun to hate the world more so than before? I used to believe that there was still hope in the world but perhaps through experience, I've realized finally that my thinking has been quite off...
I don't know what to do now...containing my anger and my violent personality has bexome more and more difficult. I never quite understood why a lot of my friends prefer to act upon their violence rather than think about them. But I think now that I do understand. As I think about blood shed, think about the tip of my blade slowly cutting through the flesh, the expressions on my victims' faces, the warm blood which slowly pierced my soul...it all seems so REAL...that it begins to haunt me just a bit. My god...who have I become?? What can I do to control myself?? I am afraid...afraid of unleashing MY dark side because even I can not be 100% sure what that means and to what extent this dark side would pertain...
What am I to do??
Maybe it has something to do with my parents...or the nagging of my friends at Uni who just won't leave me alone...but right now I have some very interesting fallacies...some which I can no longer contain to just in my mind. For one, I want to be a miko, because mikos are pretty and elegant, two things that I'll never quite be. Then I want to own a katana or anything that is of any resemblance to one. I was hoping for a double sword, because I can handle them better than just one sword and because I've always imagined myself with double swords. The prospect of a dual pair make me happy...but the most disturbing of all is the fact that I want to kill people more than ever...
I wouldn't quite go to suggest that I'm depressed. I think the word violent suits me better at my current state. I think there is an obvious difference between the two especially to those that know me quite well. Being violent is something which I never really thought about, something that I'd never BE...perhaps I'd think violent thoughts but I'd never act upon them. There was always that idea embedded in my personality because that's the person that I am and it won't change that easily...But today, tonight rather, I feel like an entirely new ME. No longer does violence merely contain within my head...I have the urge, that drive to act upon these violent thoughts. Is it just me, or have I slowly begun to hate the world more so than before? I used to believe that there was still hope in the world but perhaps through experience, I've realized finally that my thinking has been quite off...
I don't know what to do now...containing my anger and my violent personality has bexome more and more difficult. I never quite understood why a lot of my friends prefer to act upon their violence rather than think about them. But I think now that I do understand. As I think about blood shed, think about the tip of my blade slowly cutting through the flesh, the expressions on my victims' faces, the warm blood which slowly pierced my soul...it all seems so REAL...that it begins to haunt me just a bit. My god...who have I become?? What can I do to control myself?? I am afraid...afraid of unleashing MY dark side because even I can not be 100% sure what that means and to what extent this dark side would pertain...
What am I to do??
1 comments:
The full moon must be out. Paint the night sky crimson and cleanse the streets with the the requiem of blood. Too bloody ne? It is good once in a while to unleash your dark side, but do keep it in check, I admit the thought of unsheathing Zangetsu is quite tempting, you could always become a vampire(Kaname Sempai!!). So go ahead and unleash it, kitsune sama and kitsune san will hold you back if you do go that far.
~kitsune san
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