As I look out at the multi-coloured leaves I feel that I can no longer hold back on my ‘dark side’ as kitsune-san so interestingly put it...Is that a bad thing? Yesterday I was still hesitant about whether I would really wish to do as I had said that I would do. But this morning especially, there is no longer that need of hesitation. I think to myself as I sit in front of this computer who I would want to kill first. It has become as though I had been wanting this desire all my life. Perhaps I have...perhaps in the back of my mind, as I thought of the violent thoughts, a part of me wanted to act upon them...
My love for that one person is unscathed…as much as I tried my hardest to forget someone who had wronged me, as much as I tried to hide from him...seeing his presence with HER made a part of me die! The part of me that thought of any violence took complete control of my body...as I crossed paths with him in the hallway of the campus just a few minutes ago, my entire body trembled. And there he was, with her, the two of them so intimate and they pretended to not note my presence...I kept up the act of pretending that they did not exist as I passed them but what about now, when they are gone? Can I keep up this facade?
I loved him...I have always loved him and I still do! But no matter what I do now, it will make no difference...in his eyes he will not acknowledge my presence. In fact, he NEVER acknowledged my presence in the first place. To think that I've known him for thus long, to think that I'd always had a crush on him from the day I first met him. And then to think that my prayers were answered when he first spoke to me...I thought this world had finally decided to treat me like a human being rather than an inanimate object...But all this was just a dream! I had never woken from that dream with him and now seeing his presence every day...it's as though to remind me that I need to finally wake up and that I can not sleep any longer, to fantasize that there is really something called love...
I now have to bear with the aftermaths of pain. The worst part about loving someone that was originally from your high school and then now in the same Uni as you is quite obvious. When the love no longer exists, things become real ugly...in fact, they become harsh! I can not wipe the image of them together, caressed in each other's arm, their lips touching one another's and then that nonchalant glance that he gave me when he saw me. It was as though when he saw me, he no longer knew who I was. That look on his face so innocent, so foreign. And then that girl who didn't even turn back when she saw him glance at me. Rather, she shielded his eyes from me, allowing me to see how happy they were to have found each other...
I really need to kill someone, to make people understand that nobody wrongs without accepting the appropriate consequences that would follow! I need them to understand that those who wrong me WILL suffer! I wish I had a katana, one which would cut smoothly, cause a gash not so deep but could allow the blood to flow from it. I long to feel the warm gushing liquid on my hands, see the same liquid caress my blade and run along it until it dripped harmoniously onto the ground. I long to see their expressions as death loomed overhead, longed to hear their cry of forgiveness, to cry for help, the desperate yet feeble attempt to persuade me not to kill them….
My love for that one person is unscathed…as much as I tried my hardest to forget someone who had wronged me, as much as I tried to hide from him...seeing his presence with HER made a part of me die! The part of me that thought of any violence took complete control of my body...as I crossed paths with him in the hallway of the campus just a few minutes ago, my entire body trembled. And there he was, with her, the two of them so intimate and they pretended to not note my presence...I kept up the act of pretending that they did not exist as I passed them but what about now, when they are gone? Can I keep up this facade?
I loved him...I have always loved him and I still do! But no matter what I do now, it will make no difference...in his eyes he will not acknowledge my presence. In fact, he NEVER acknowledged my presence in the first place. To think that I've known him for thus long, to think that I'd always had a crush on him from the day I first met him. And then to think that my prayers were answered when he first spoke to me...I thought this world had finally decided to treat me like a human being rather than an inanimate object...But all this was just a dream! I had never woken from that dream with him and now seeing his presence every day...it's as though to remind me that I need to finally wake up and that I can not sleep any longer, to fantasize that there is really something called love...
I now have to bear with the aftermaths of pain. The worst part about loving someone that was originally from your high school and then now in the same Uni as you is quite obvious. When the love no longer exists, things become real ugly...in fact, they become harsh! I can not wipe the image of them together, caressed in each other's arm, their lips touching one another's and then that nonchalant glance that he gave me when he saw me. It was as though when he saw me, he no longer knew who I was. That look on his face so innocent, so foreign. And then that girl who didn't even turn back when she saw him glance at me. Rather, she shielded his eyes from me, allowing me to see how happy they were to have found each other...
I really need to kill someone, to make people understand that nobody wrongs without accepting the appropriate consequences that would follow! I need them to understand that those who wrong me WILL suffer! I wish I had a katana, one which would cut smoothly, cause a gash not so deep but could allow the blood to flow from it. I long to feel the warm gushing liquid on my hands, see the same liquid caress my blade and run along it until it dripped harmoniously onto the ground. I long to see their expressions as death loomed overhead, longed to hear their cry of forgiveness, to cry for help, the desperate yet feeble attempt to persuade me not to kill them….
Shizuka
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