Contemplations-Part 2

It's hard to think what one can do when one is in a depressed mood. I know now never to trust the words of people too lightly. But then again, haven't I known that long enough...time and time again I keep telling myself that this is exactly what I should avoid...that it has been the most detrimental of my personality that one day it would become my ultimate downfall. I think I've said that way too many times that even now I'm starting to wonder about it. It's not a crime persay to trust in what people have to say, right? That is, assuming that what is said is something that would hurt no one if it were either true or false. But now more than ever, I'm not only starting to doubt the words uttered by other people, but also by what I'm seeing with my own eyes. I'm trying to make myself think that what I saw or what I believed I saw was actually a figment of my imagination when I know all too well that it isn't. One can dream, right? I hope honestly that dreaminig is not a crime because if it is, then I would have commited a crime all my life...

It's amazing what people would say or how they would try in their best ability to make something sound good, especially when it isn't. It's also amazing how far these people can go with twisting the truth in order to get the results that they want. It makes me a little more than just disgusted that some people are willing to go to such great lengths to make themselves happy but make the others around them suffer at the same time. I mean, people were not born to be evil beings right? At least, that's what I've been trying to tell myself, maybe in an effort to offer some sort of comfort to myself. I was never angry at those people, those who would not care what happened to me but only cared to make themselves happy. In fact, I was never angry in general. If I was angry, chances are, I was angry at myself for being such a baka! But today, I AM angry! Actually, to put it into more concrete terms, I'm more than angry. The term angry in itself would not define how I feel at this very moment. It seems like I have a desire, a desire so unmistakable to kill. I tried so often to control that part of my soul, to tell myself that this is not the outcome I really want...to stop myself...

But I'm starting to think...that I can't continue to lie to myself like that! I'm starting to think that what I really need to do is rid those who had ever wronged me or rid myself, which ever is easier to accomplish...given that I am a lazy person I choose the quickest method.

I'm tired of having to pretend that I'm someone that I'm not! I'm tired of being the girl that everyone can take advantage of, manipulate and then just throw away like a toy! I'm tired of being like that...I'm tired of being part of a game that I shouldn't have been a participant of even from the very beginning. I should have known about my weaknesses, I should have known better than to go so far that now I'm suffering the consequences again! I thought I'd learn from such failures not to do something so stupid as that! But I guess I haven't learned a lesson yet...and maybe I never will! I don't care what anyone says anymore or what anyone does anymore. I trust that my love for this person is strong and that whatever is coming my way is only a mere obstacle that I'll just have to learn to get over regardless of whether I want to or not. Because the choice is no longer mine! Not that it has ever been mine to begin with. I will not lose to someone like that...I will not lose to fate!