Cold Sensation

I've never thought that alcohol could taste so good. Indeed, it's been so long since I've felt the insane desire to drink. But today, it seemed as though I really needed to feel the cool liquid against my throat, the burning aftermath of the liquid in my body. I have not had such a desure in such a long time that now it seems so distant and so foreign to me. It almost scares me...that need to drink, to be drunk almost clouding all judgments and all emotions. As I sat there, going through bottle after bottle, I could not help but think to myself who it is I have become. Aside from thinking about this, there was something else which nagged at me, something which I could no longer understand. It was a temptation, a desire so deep that it overwhelmed me.

But who am I to believe that such emotions truly did exist? Who am I to believe that something as sacred as the word love could truly exist in this world? How often I've said the words 'I love you' to those that could not truly return it, at least not whole-heartedly. But today, out of all days, I understand that there are people out there that I can't progress more to than just friends. The words which I loathe to see, the words which I loathe to hear rang in my head over and over again. Somehow I was not angry but merely saddened by the fact that I could not grasp love....that love could not truly be mine! I still think love to be fallible, that no matter how much I try I can not wipe away...

Today I broke a promise to a friend, merely because a friend had managed to tear a part of my soul out of me. I'm sorry...I broke the promise but please try to forgive and try to understand that I broke the promise because I HAD to. Only alcohol can pacify the longing desires to do harm, not only to this world but to myself. I am weak, I always have been and will never say otherwise. You know me well, know that I am that kind of person. Kind words and gestures will do nothing to me now for I am not whole anymore...I can not stop the tears that threaten to cascade, I can not. I used to think that I would want to but today, I don't! I want to allow myself to cry, one last time for that one friend who will always be...just a friend

I loved but can not be loved...that's the way my life has always been...

Violent Temptations

As I look out at the multi-coloured leaves I feel that I can no longer hold back on my ‘dark side’ as kitsune-san so interestingly put it...Is that a bad thing? Yesterday I was still hesitant about whether I would really wish to do as I had said that I would do. But this morning especially, there is no longer that need of hesitation. I think to myself as I sit in front of this computer who I would want to kill first. It has become as though I had been wanting this desire all my life. Perhaps I have...perhaps in the back of my mind, as I thought of the violent thoughts, a part of me wanted to act upon them...

My love for that one person is unscathed…as much as I tried my hardest to forget someone who had wronged me, as much as I tried to hide from him...seeing his presence with HER made a part of me die! The part of me that thought of any violence took complete control of my body...as I crossed paths with him in the hallway of the campus just a few minutes ago, my entire body trembled. And there he was, with her, the two of them so intimate and they pretended to not note my presence...I kept up the act of pretending that they did not exist as I passed them but what about now, when they are gone? Can I keep up this facade?

I loved him...I have always loved him and I still do! But no matter what I do now, it will make no difference...in his eyes he will not acknowledge my presence. In fact, he NEVER acknowledged my presence in the first place. To think that I've known him for thus long, to think that I'd always had a crush on him from the day I first met him. And then to think that my prayers were answered when he first spoke to me...I thought this world had finally decided to treat me like a human being rather than an inanimate object...But all this was just a dream! I had never woken from that dream with him and now seeing his presence every day...it's as though to remind me that I need to finally wake up and that I can not sleep any longer, to fantasize that there is really something called love...

I now have to bear with the aftermaths of pain. The worst part about loving someone that was originally from your high school and then now in the same Uni as you is quite obvious. When the love no longer exists, things become real ugly...in fact, they become harsh! I can not wipe the image of them together, caressed in each other's arm, their lips touching one another's and then that nonchalant glance that he gave me when he saw me. It was as though when he saw me, he no longer knew who I was. That look on his face so innocent, so foreign. And then that girl who didn't even turn back when she saw him glance at me. Rather, she shielded his eyes from me, allowing me to see how happy they were to have found each other...

I really need to kill someone, to make people understand that nobody wrongs without accepting the appropriate consequences that would follow! I need them to understand that those who wrong me WILL suffer! I wish I had a katana, one which would cut smoothly, cause a gash not so deep but could allow the blood to flow from it. I long to feel the warm gushing liquid on my hands, see the same liquid caress my blade and run along it until it dripped harmoniously onto the ground. I long to see their expressions as death loomed overhead, longed to hear their cry of forgiveness, to cry for help, the desperate yet feeble attempt to persuade me not to kill them….

Shizuka

Midnight Fallacies

Yes yes I know, it's not quite midnight yet! In fact, it's FAR from midnight but what's wrong with a little 'nightdreaming' ne? ^^ It's interesting how much my personality can shift in a matter of hours. The thing is, I was in somewhat of a good mood for the most part of my day, as noted very nicely in my last blog post. But now as I think about it, I'm not certain anymore...I might still be in somewhat of a good mood, presumably because the things which got me depressed in the first place are still in the back of my mind...but right now, something else troubles me...something which I can't seem to accurately pinpoint...

Maybe it has something to do with my parents...or the nagging of my friends at Uni who just won't leave me alone...but right now I have some very interesting fallacies...some which I can no longer contain to just in my mind. For one, I want to be a miko, because mikos are pretty and elegant, two things that I'll never quite be. Then I want to own a katana or anything that is of any resemblance to one. I was hoping for a double sword, because I can handle them better than just one sword and because I've always imagined myself with double swords. The prospect of a dual pair make me happy...but the most disturbing of all is the fact that I want to kill people more than ever...

I wouldn't quite go to suggest that I'm depressed. I think the word violent suits me better at my current state. I think there is an obvious difference between the two especially to those that know me quite well. Being violent is something which I never really thought about, something that I'd never BE...perhaps I'd think violent thoughts but I'd never act upon them. There was always that idea embedded in my personality because that's the person that I am and it won't change that easily...But today, tonight rather, I feel like an entirely new ME. No longer does violence merely contain within my head...I have the urge, that drive to act upon these violent thoughts. Is it just me, or have I slowly begun to hate the world more so than before? I used to believe that there was still hope in the world but perhaps through experience, I've realized finally that my thinking has been quite off...

I don't know what to do now...containing my anger and my violent personality has bexome more and more difficult. I never quite understood why a lot of my friends prefer to act upon their violence rather than think about them. But I think now that I do understand. As I think about blood shed, think about the tip of my blade slowly cutting through the flesh, the expressions on my victims' faces, the warm blood which slowly pierced my soul...it all seems so REAL...that it begins to haunt me just a bit. My god...who have I become?? What can I do to control myself?? I am afraid...afraid of unleashing MY dark side because even I can not be 100% sure what that means and to what extent this dark side would pertain...

What am I to do??

Brighter Future

Looking out at the skies, today is a cloudy day. But the week pripr to that were all cloudy days so I was very much unnerved as I looked out at the window to find exactly the same kind of day to greet me. But something about today has been very different. I've only been through about a quarter of my day but I'm guessing the day will be a little brighter or at least a little happier than what I've been experiencing...Something tells me that such days won't last long but a part of me still hopes that my days can get happier and happier. So this entry is will be slightly less depressing.

Even though tuberculosis and my heart problems have been lagging at me for quite awhile in the past couple of hours, a part of me is still happy. Not only am I beginning to slowly forget about the sad thoughts...mind you, they still exist but I’m trying to push them to the back of mind just in case I suddenly become so depressed that I have to place these thoughts as my primary focus once more. I guess life has been treating me quite nicely...through the ups and downs I’ve managed to still remain in one piece. I know of so many people who have faltered, who have corrupted both physically and mentally so that they no longer can hold on to what is most dear to them...

In essence, I don’t know what is most dear to me in my life anymore. I guess I was stubborn enough to think for the past three or four years that the most dear thing to me was the love that I received from the people who did not truly give. Now as I reflect, I begin to think that maybe, just maybe that is not quite. I find that every moment, every second in which I still live is something to be happy about, something to be grateful about. Love or no love...

But that doesn’t mean that I am now not looking for love. I just don’t trust men or actually anyone as easily anymore. It seems that a part of me has become afraid of people, afraid of interacting with those that I’ve not had time to truly understand...and even more afraid to interact those that I have known for a long time (kitsune-san and kitsune-sama aside). I’ve become afraid of interacting with people in general because I don’t know whether I truly understand a person or not. Someone can be nice but not mean it...

A rather short post for today but a post nonetheless...
Shizuka

Betrayal

Before I begin my rant for this entry, let me first thank kitsune-san for his kind comments to every one of my blog entries. Also, let me also tell anyone that reads my bloga that I'm not always depressed and that not all of my entries will be rants. It's just that I'm currently experiencing my depression moments in life so please bear with me. I'll try to write some nice things once in awhile because being depressed all the time isn't that much of a good thing, as I've become to know. Thank you to all. Now that I've made my little declaration, I think it's time to get into my rant of the day.

Let me first begin with the question: What is a true friend? What is your definition of a friend? Well, for me, a friend is someone that stands by you in the most critical moments in your life, one who cares enough about you to listen to you, to care about you and be nice to you. I thought my definition was supposedly well defined already so I did not really doubt myself. Even now, as I look at the definition, I still believe that I'm correct enough and that I truly know what a friend is supposed to be. In all of my life, I have never been a bad friend, if there is ever such an adjective to describe someone so special to another. I thought that all of my friends, at least those that I believed to be my true friends would be like me and I would never doubt them. But today, out of all days, I've understood that I've been a fool...the one friend who I had trusted with all my heart has betrayed me...

Originally I would never have thought that I'd even know that this friend would betray me. (Indeed, I would not have known if she hadn't told me...) Her betrayal hurt me, tore at my heart with more pain than my heart problem had ever pained me. I had known this girl ever since we were in kindergarden. When I was small, I didn't like to make friends, and so I didn't have that many. She was one of those that I thought comfortable to talk to even when we first became friends. I told myself that no matter what, no matter what she ever did wrong, I'd forgive her and she'd do the same for me if ever I managed to do something which wronged her. She didn't go to the same high school as me and not the same Uni as me either but we still kept in touch. I'd talk to her and tell her things that I'd never told anybody. THAT was how much I trusted the girl. And even then, I would never doubt our friendship...until the person that I love crosses paths with my friend.

It sounds so much like a drama and even as I think about it, it sounds so much like a drama to be too...so unbelievable. I knew that the person I loved (the guy in my last three blog posts) would not love me truly but I never knew...NEVER would have guessed that he would go for my friend. And even if he did, I wouldn't have cared if he hadn't lied to me and told me that he still loved me. When I saw him put his arm around her waist, that loving kiss she gave him in return...it was as though something burned inside my body. I keep telling myself that no matter how he betrayed me, he would mean nothing to me because I no longer love him. But as the tears broke free and I became a weak girl again on the outside, I knew that I couldn't lie to myself, not any longer...I DID love him! And there was nothing in the world that would take that away from me! I didn't confront him but I did go to my friend's house about three hours ago, demanding an explanation. I couldn't believe how she treated me...the words she said...especially if it came from her. If what she had said came from anybody else, I could have dealt with it much better but no...they had to be from her!!!!!!

What she said I could never wipe away from my memory. She said because I was so ugly I would never be able to get a guy to truly love me so it was a miracle that he could withstand me for so long, without ever loving me to begin with. She said that she was tired of me always unloading my problems onto her and that she didn't care...she thought that I was getting to annoying to bear! She said that if she had the choice, she would choose to break friendship ties with me a long time ago. She said I was a stubborn fool that couldn't just learn to let go, couldn't just learn to be happy for people when they meet people that they truly loved. She said that I clung to him too much, expected too much from him without knowing that I was in no position either based on my appearance or my personality to. She told me that he had always said how much he couldn't stand me and that it was because of her that he had not hurt me a long time ago. She told me that I should just accept the fact that nobody in their right mind would ever love me truly and not try to find someone out of desperation because I would never be able to...among other things...

What have I EVER done to deserve such treatment...she was my closest friend!!! What have I ever done to ANYONE to deserve this???

What is Love?

In the past two entries, I've been talking about the person that I love. As I sit here and think, I'm starting to ask myself a very basic question. What is love? I remember asking a couple of my friends at Uni what they thought love was. And their responses pretty much were identical. They tell me that I don't know what love really means and that what I feel for this person was a mere attraction. But is it really? I don't know anymore...or rather, I've never really known to begin with. I start to think that I only say that I love him because I need the idea or the feel of being loved...but then I doubt myself once more. I tell myself that no, that's not quite true. Indeed, it's not quite true because the way I feel for him was different from the way I feel for anybody else that I associate with.

But then again...why should I keep loving him if I knew that he had once wronged me?

Indeed, he had wronged me more than once, in many different ways. He believed that I wouldn't know or wouldn't care. But it didn't matter...I knew AND I cared. The idea was that he would continue to keep the truth away from me but then again I had given him all that I could possibly give him. I never asked him for anything in return! Even when he told the world (or so it seemed) that I was his gf, even then, I had not requested it. I believed that if there was ever a need for such a thing, that he would do it on his own and that love was between two people, not the whole world. I do appreciate this gesture though, regardless of whether I had asked for it or not. I still felt warm inside (of course at that moment I had not known of the fact that he had another true gf >.<) and I thanked him for doing that, even though the gratitude was something that I wouldn't normally express...

He had taken everything away from me...everything that I had given him, he took away and it is as though those things would never come back. When he left me for that girl, he took them away and now he's coming back to return them. But how do I know that what he's returning now, he will not take away in the future? The prospect scares me...and I am once more in a dilemma. The world is a scary place, with all kinds of different people. My dad once told me that I believed in people too easily, that I trusted in their every word and that this kind of personality would one day lead me to dire consequences. Now I know that was he said was true...I don't want to think about him anymore, about his cunning smile, his kind words...but if I don't think of these good things, I'll eventually obssess about the bad things he had once done to me, some of which I can not bring myself to disclose here and now...

What should I do? Continue with him and have the lingering possibility of dire consequences happening again and again or stop being with him and feel the pain of his departure now?

Shizuka

Cloudy Skies

My second blog post...I've become addicted to posting things so I might post two entries in one day. If that DOES happen, please bear with me. (But trust me, I will only post something when I'm absolutely certain I have to vent or have something interesting to say). My first post was rather depressing and looking out at the skies right now, this depressing mood still lingers. *sighs* I wish the sun would come out from behind the clouds...as though the sun peaking out from behind the clouds could somehow miraculously help my mood. But indeed, it’s still early on in the day. Perhaps…perhaps as time passes, this depression would not linger…

Where did I leave off yesterday? It seems as though I left off where the happenings of the day coincidentally corresponds to the picture that I posted at the top. As you can probably tell, I love to put in anime pictures at the top of my every blog. XP I somehow have to define my anime obsession somewhere so what better way to do this than in every post! ^^ For this post, I’ve chosen a picture that represents cloudy skies, which is the title of my post~ Indeed, even when I try to lift my mood by writing about nonsense, it doesn’t seem to work…>.<>

I guess only time will tell...

Until next time then!

Shizuka

A Rainy Day

This is my first blog entry and it might sound very depressing. I think it has been a rather depressing day for me that I can't really say anything that wouldn't eventually come out as depressing. So please bear with me and leave comments if you wish. My day first started with a brutal mid-term. I'm currently in first year Uni and even if people tell me how easy it is to get good marks in my major (English) but TRUST ME, it's not!!! >.<>.<>.< I'd be happy to even stay alive after this test, let alone the final!!!!!!!!

The only bright moment came when my friend visited me at my school from a different Uni. I'm so grateful to him that he actually took the time to take the bus over! ^^ It was like the only thing that I'd been looking forward to (since he told me about MAYBE coming all week!) So I was really hyper for the most part of his visit. But he only comes to visit for two hours a week which means that time flies and good times don't last. Eventually he had to go back to his school and I had to go home! >.< But what was even more special was the fact that he went out of his way to buy me b-day presents!!! (huggles Lelouch, Ulquorria plushes and gapes at Code Geass poster with joy) It's my b-day in three weeks or so, beginning of November but he wanted to cheer me up early. :) Thanks to him, I WAS cheered up for a bit.

But not that long afterwards, my cheery mood disappeared. I realize now that there are many things and many people out there that aren't as nice as what they see. The idea is that what we see and what is considered 'reality' are two different things! People always tell me that I'm too nice of a person and I always wave them off because how can I be! >.< Someone can't be TOO nice, right???? Well, today I found out that I had always been being too nice, no matter who said what good or bad, I'd shrug it off. No matter what bad thing seemed to happen to me, I would never blame someone else and blame it all on myself when I know perfectly well that I'm not the person to blame! And I know that, but it's difficult to always correct someone's behavior or personality especially if that person has always been that way!!!! So, I was backstabbed or betrayed or whatever you call it by a good friend, someone that I considered my closest friends (not the person that came to visit btw)

And then there's the love of my life...people, my friends, tell me that I don't know what love REALLY means. But I have some news for them, I do! Even though I can't explain it in words when asked, that doesn't mean I don't know that feeling. I've been there and I've done it. So, this love of my life told me today that he doesn't love me. Or rather, he would NEVER love me. I tried my hardest not to cry in front of him. I'm the kind of person that is very emotional and so then I cry very easily. Surprisingly, I fought back my tears and waited until I was all alone before tears could flow freely. A person who I had loved for a long time, someone whom I could never bring myself to tell him I loved him...I remember being able to say finally to him a couple of months ago that I loved him. At that time, he shrugged it off and thought I was crazy. And then three days later, he said he wanted to go out on a date with me to see if the 'feel' was right. So we went on a date and after that I became his gf. He started telling his friends...but then I found out that he HAD another gf, his 'real' gf. So he treated me like a toy that can be disposed of whenever he wanted to!

*sighs* Why does life always have to be this way? Why does every person I EVER fall in love with have to be this way? Is it me or is it fate?

Enough blabbing about pointless things for one day! Sorry to all for making you read such a long thing! Forgive me.

Good night and sweet dreams to all :)
Shizuka